Cheryl and Gary stood facing each other at the front of church, radiating joy, love and happiness. It was a poignant moment for two, in their mid-forties, who had a decade earlier been traveling life's journey with other partners. Starting over after a death and a divorce had seemed unlikely to each of them just a couple of years earlier. But by the mysteries of providence, they had met each other at a softball game. And as they say nowadays, "The rest is history." They spoke their vows with obvious sincerity and conspicuous thanksgiving.
Friends and family who gathered for Cheryl and Gary's wedding were certainly rejoicing with the beaming couple. With a mixture of celebration and mild disbelief, they reflected on the wonder of the two finding each other and connecting so deeply. But there was something else parked on the, threshold of many minds sitting in the church that evening. They were thinking also about the two with whom Cheryl and Gary were previously partnered— one gone after marital failure, the other in heaven. The ghosts of the first marriages kept flitting into consciousness, distracting those gathered from total celebration. A few were actually wiping tears from their eyes. Fresh grief over the sad circumstances ending the original partnerships inevitably crept into the sanctuary along with the happiness. While Cheryl and Gary focused totally on each other, the audience was juggling a variety of memories and emotions.
The officiating pastor bumped into the issue in his first pre-wedding meeting with the couple. They had entered hand-in-hand, beaming. Clearly they adored each other. Immediately the pastor wrestled with a dilemma: With such conspicuous excitement and love must I name the elephant? An old maxim popped into his mind: Do not speak of doleful things in times of joy. Still, he resolved, it would be odd, wrong, even irresponsible not to bring to the table the grief, sorrow, and failure surrounding the couple's first marriages.
As a result, the couple and the pastor had done a lot of work together in the months preceding the wedding. They were ready for the ceremony. They had traveled the rough road of their sorrows, mistakes, and heartache. Tonight, the three stood united in front of the gathered crowd. They had shared deeply, agonized, wept together, answered difficult challenges, forgiven past offenders, and even for-given God. Their walk down the aisle followed solid preparation and intelligent resolution.
For those gathered it was a different matter. Their hurt, anger, and disappointments, while minor in comparison to the couple's, lay dormant but not gone. The wedding opened thoughts and feelings they did not expect. They needed a little help—even though the primary characters were mostly healed and ready.
Among those gathered were three young children. They sat, alternately happy and perplexed, watching from a distance as their parents moved through a solemn ritual the three knew was going to change their lives radically.
Planning the Blended Family Wedding
Most pastors are called on to officiate in weddings like Cheryl and Gary's, where one or both spouses have been married before. Many are uncertain about what is helpful and appropriate for the couple and those gathered. The following suggestions may help pastors sort through some of the questions they face.
Inquire about the couple's history.
Among other things, the inquiry should focus on their love history. Previous engagements may be reluctant in preparing this couple for their vows. When there have been previous marriages (or engagements), the pastor should pay close attention to the dynamics of those relationships, especially how they ended. The pastor should gain reasonable assurance that the couple has resolved previous issues of grief, abuse, bitterness, or injury. If the pastor has the training and time, he or she can work with the couple. Otherwise, professional counseling may be necessary. The point is that a pastor should be reluctant to help people entire a new union when there is unfinished business sitting in the background. Every effort should be made to explore and resolve old grief and injuries.
Include some references to previous marriages in the wedding ceremony.
These references can range from minimal mention of the couple's history to major inclusion of themes, issues, and even children connected to other spouses. Including mention of past unions in the marriage ceremony assures the gathered people that this wedding is conducted with honest consideration of the history of those involved. Also, bringing past circumstances to the surface assists friends and family in their own progress toward putting the past in proper prospective. While likely to stir up some distress, mentioning past relationships enables forward movement and assures all that they are witnessing a new beginning reasonably uncluttered by old baggage.
Carefully plan, in consultation with the couple, all references to previous marriages to be included in the wedding. Encourage openness and the inclusion of children where possible.
While pastors should not leave out this pertinent material, they should certainty not make too much of it either. All allusions to healing, forgiving, beginning again, and other relevant concerns should be made with the wide-open awareness and agreement of the couple. There should be no surprises when the pastor brings in pertinent history.
Ideas for Including Children
Unlike the traditional first-time wedding, second marriages often include children. Cheryl and Gary's children sat with the guests, observing their parent's marriage from afar. But the wedding ceremony actually presents a number of meaningful opportunities for including the couple's children and building positive bridges in the newly forming household.
- Children from a previous marriage can be included as flower girls, ring bearers, or attendants; or they can accompany their parents down the aisle, hand in hand. In such cases, it may be helpful for the pastor to explain the names and relationships of those involved.
- Children can be called forward from their seats after the bride and groom have said their vows. The pastor can then formally ask them if they enthusiastically affirm their parents in this marriage and wholeheartedly promise to work and pray for the happiness of this new home. One marriage guide suggests a more casual approach: The pastor asks, "Will you, [name], give your enthusiastic support in every way you know, like helping out and saying, 'I love you' once in a while, or with hugs and kisses and thank-yous?" After the children respond, the minister says, "If this is the greatest thing to happen to your mom or dad, then please give me a high five." The minister then goes to each child and exchanges high-fives (from Sourcebook of Weddings, a helpful resource for pasters). I personally prefer the more formal approach since it maximizes the magnitude and solemnity of this new family coming together.
- Children can be invited to join the couple for the wedding prayer, as the pastor prays for blessing on this new marriage. Invite children to gather in close, surrounding their marrying parents. The wedding prayer should include references to forgiveness, healing, new beginnings, the needs of the children, and the special wisdom for the challenges of a blended family-- plus, of course, the usual supplications for all the grace and resources needed for life together. The couple will anticipate this because it has been discussed in premarital meetings.
- Including the children in the unity candle ritual by having them light the outside candles and/or extinguish the flames when the central candle is lit offers another way to bring them actively into this merger of families. Again, the pastor has an opportunity to stress the coming together of families, not just the individuals.
- Sometimes those marrying will, for one reason or another, be uncomfortable including the children in the ceremony. But their absence will seem odd, incomplete, and irresponsible if the pastor makes no reference to their part in all this. At the very least young children and teenagers should be mentioned by name and prayed for.
Bringing God's Word of Hope and Healing
The message in a blended-family wedding will magnify the celebratory atmosphere by proclaiming the goodness of God, who makes this new family a possibility. Naturally the prime focus will be on the couple, but careful references to the unique needs of blended families and those forging new paths after failure and sorrow are especially appropriate.
One of my preferred passages in these circumstances is Isiah 43:18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?" Endeavoring not to violate contextual concerns, I enjoy elaborating on this very positive promise the new family can hold on to as they embark on a new journey.
Each wedding is unique, and this is especially true of second marriages. Those coming to be married will include
- older folks coming together following long years with other spouses
- men and women with adult children and grandchildren
- men and women who have both been divorced
The list could go on and on. In every case, it's important that the goodness of this new union hold center stage. But it's also important to remember that some reference to their previous partnership helps avoid an artificial atmosphere. Merley using traditional vows as if not previous relationship existed will get the job done but will feel odd and unreal. Building a bridge from the past to the present in simple words shapes these marriages more properly and healthfully.
Officiating at these complex events ought to be a happy, creative challenge, not a mere routine. All preaching and teaching should maximize the goodness of God, which brings healing for the past, new life for the present, and is ever-present for the road ahead. Carefully planned to get married again will be a credible and joyful commencement.